Here are some Trump math problems:
Q: If you have $1 million and then you lose $55, how many dollars do you have to live on?
A: Whatever my father, Fred Trump, has.
Q: If you are $418 million in the red, do you have more money or less money than someone who has zero dollars?
A: More, $418 million more!
Q: If you have $5 of debt and someone else has zero dollars, who has more money?
A: I definitely have more money than the loser with zero dollars.
Q: It costs $0.08 to buy a banana. You have -$0.05. Can you afford to buy a banana?
A: I don’t know, let me ask Deutsche Bank.
Q: It costs $0.08 to buy a banana. Someone else has $0.16. Can she afford to buy a banana?
A: With just $0.16, she should not be wasting money on luxuries such as bananas. She should be working.
Q: What does it mean to be in the red?
A: It means you have won roulette. Thank you for playing at a Trump-branded casino!
Q: You have two apples. You owe someone five apples. They take two. How many apples do you still owe them?
A: If we had a wall, they would not have been able to take those apples from me. I would probably have 30 apples by now. We need to build a wall.
Q: Two trains are on their way to Atlantic City. One of them keeps going without stopping at a Trump property. Are you bankrupt?
A: Yes, always.
Q: You have lost more than $1 billion over the course of a decade. You have retained Michael Cohen as your attorney, and Michael has gotten hold of at least one personal photograph of Jerry Falwell Jr.’s. What do you have?
A: Jerry Falwell Jr.’s endorsement!
Q: You have three sons, two daughters and one son-in-law. Two sons are still involved in running your business, but your son-in-law wants to help with the government. He is initially refused a security clearance because his past business entanglements seem risky, and one of his first moves is to try to bond with Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman. How many security clearances should this section of your family receive, in total?
A: Zero, but the answer is two!
Q: There are five apples. You do not own any of the apples, but you write your name on them. Now how many apples do you have?
A: Five, and they are much more valuable apples than before and, better yet, I am no longer personally liable if they fail.
Q: You are one-sixteenth of the candidates for the Republican nomination. What fraction of the party will still speak against you once you have been elected to office?
A: Surprisingly, zero.
Q: Hillary Clinton has 65.8 million votes. You have 63 million votes. Who had the most votes?
A: The electors.
Q: What is an imaginary number?
A: The number of people who attended my inauguration.
Q: What does PEMDAS represent?
A: Please Excuse My Depreciated Assets, Senators!
Q: If you have zero dollars but feel like a million dollars, how much are you worth?
A: $6 billion, maybe seven.
Q: The arc of the universe is long but bends toward justice.
Q: Will we continue like this forever? Is there no limit to your brazenness, to your depravity, to your venality?
A: The limit does not exist.
Read more from Alexandra Petri:
Friends, Romans, countrymen: Case closed!
Bill Barr goes to Hell. And finds a client.
Rod Rosenstein’s remarkable letter of resignation